This is a collection of my various journal entries, spanning across many years of pointless chattering. Needless to say, some of the thoughts recorded here are no longer my current view. And my most recent thoughts will not necessarily be my future view. Anyway, I planned to publish them posthumously, but I rarely stick to my plans. So here they are!
10/18/1999
It has been a long time since the last time I wrote in this journal. A lot of things happened. However, one thing never changes: The disgust I feel about life and humankind. Whoever invented life must have make a terrible mistake, and the mistake became a crime when the mind was created. I wonder what it’s like to have no reasoning faculty. When I look at animals, I see their suffering, but I wonder if they see it? Let’s forget about animals. Take human, for example – some people are happier than others. The more shallow one is, the more happy one becomes. The shallow feel suffering sometimes, but because they are shallow, they soon forget the suffering and live on.
On the contrary, people who think deeply about life can’t forget what it does to them and others. How can one be happy when there are injustice, wars and all sorts of cruelty in the world? Every time I watch the news, my blood boils because of the rapes, murders and abuses that happen everywhere. “Then stop watching the news,” someone would say. But, even if you close your eyes, the cry of suffering is so deafening that you can’t ignore it.
“Then, don’t sit in the dark and blame it, light a candle,” someone else would say. But, I’ve tried to light a candle many times, but every time I do, someone would use the fire to burn others. Even if there is no insane idiot around to burn things, how long would a candle last? Darkness is eternal, and a candle only lasts for a few minutes.
People say that I’m pessimistic, and that I should try to look at the world in a different perspective. Isn’t that silly? No matter where you look or how you look at it, a black thing can’t change into white. Religion tells us not to think, but believe, but this old, stupid lie doesn’t do the trick because even the most stupid person in the world can figure out that he is deceived if someone lies to him a thousand times. It’s true that reasoning is not perfect, but it’s the only tool we have to make sane decisions.
Ironically, people are afraid to think. They know that if they do, their happiness will vanish. Everybody lies. The priests, the ministers, the parents, the teachers…They are a bunch of liars, otherwise they have no brain. There is no love but exploitation. A child is an investment. This child is supposed to bring happiness to his parents, to work to support his society, and to praise his God. He owes everything to his parents, country, God or whatnot. In short, this child is a slave. And, if he is smart enough to think, he is a miserable slave.
1/03/2000
I feel truly rotten today. I feel nauseated. People and things around me are simply disgusting. This is nothing new to me. However, I was still hopeful that there are a few things in life that are not disgusting. If find now that there are none.
There are two kinds of people, and they are both disgusting. The first kind consists of the winners. These people are extremely selfish, shallow and insensitive. They care only for themselves and maybe their family. They are the materialists who don’t understand anything beyond the material world.
Another kind of the people consists of all the losers. These people are sensitive, irregular and sometimes deep. They are artists, idealists and dreamers. Unfortunately, they are, most of them are, good for nothing. They live an undisciplined life and let their emotions and desires control them. Worst of all, they always envy the winners and want to become winners. On the other hand, they keep sitting in a dark corner and lament their fate, blaming others for what’s happening to them.
I hate the former with all my might. One thing I can’t stand is insensitive, shallow people. They are my greatest source of hatred for this world. I tend to have more sympathy with the latter. However, these people, too, make me sick sometimes. What I don’t like is weakness of character. Life is a game. Even though you are forced to play, at least hide your long face and show some courage and dignity.
Unfortunately, these two kinds of people make up the world. Perhaps there are others, but they either are dead or are dying. I wonder how long I could survive?
11/06/2001
I’m free once again! I’m done with my exams, and I have all the time for myself! Despite the fact that I did badly on the exams, I won’t let it bother me. No, I promise myself that much. It’s all about control. I must control my own thoughts and emotions. I believe I can do it. I’m a strong person.
Life is not all about exams, or success for that matter. The essense of life is growing. We grow through time and experience. We grow by making mistakes and learn from them. We grow by falling down and standing up and walking on again. I remember the night when I tried to escape my country. I walked, together with many other people, on a muddy path in the dark, and I fell down many times. However, instead of feeling depressed and scared, I felt all excited and laughed to myself every time I fell down. I guess that was because I loved the adventure, the thrill of dealing face to face with danger and with the unexpected.
Similarly, I should be excited, instead of depressed, when I face challenges, no matter what the outcome may be. I fail, succeed, fall down, stand up, and move on. That’s part of growing. No one can laugh at me for going through all this. If someone does, then it’s his or her problem, not mine.
Also, I should stop blaming myself for being stupid. If I’m really stupid, blaming, myself or others, doesn’t help. I must accept myself and make others do the same. I can only do my best, and even if my best is others’ worst, there is nothing I can do about it. Besides, being smart and successful is not the most important thing in the world. What’s important is to know and accept yourself as well as others. To be happy doesn’t require intelligence (in fact, it’s the opposite!). Anyway, there is no point dwelling upon what you can’t control.
11/27/2001
Everybody professes that he or she knows what love is. It’s considered noble, universally accepted, and beyond reproach. Few people ever stop to question the “motive” of love because either they sincerely believe that love has no motive, or they are afraid to address the issue.
I think love has a motive, though most of us are not conscious of it. I will go further to claim that there is no such thing as unconditional love. Now, I will go into details and discuss this case by case.
First of all, let’s talk about lovers’ love (generally between a man and a woman, but it can be any combination) since this topic makes up most of our literature. Is this unconditional love? Obviously not! And here’s why: A man loves a woman (or vice versa) because he finds her attractive. He wants to be loved by her; he wants to possess her (in fact, this is one of the main motives of marriage). If you don’t think this is true, try to mess around with a person’s lover to see if that person wouldn’t punch you on the face, or some reaction of the sort! If that person remains aloof, everybody would concludes that he or she either has no spine or no feelings for his or her lover. You see, we all seem to adopt this kind of judgment. As a result, we infer, consciously or unconsciously, that this kind of love is conditional.
Let’s skip husband-wife love because it’s similar to the previous case except that the “condition,” or “motive,” is made obvious by marriage. The motives of marriage is security, sex and children, to name a few.
Now, the hardest case to discuss is parent-child love (brothers-sisters love is a variation). People will start calling you names, to say the least, if you claim that parent-child love is conditional. However, if we look at the issue objectively, we see that even this highest, noblest kind of love doesn’t go beyond the realm of conditional love. Why do you love your child? Because she is my child! This is a condition. I love someone because he or she is mine, or part of me, or is my resemblance. This person brings me joy, happiness, and pride. It’s all about me! It’s true that I’m willing to die for my child, but what I’m willing to do is to die for my own sake. That is, I can’t bear to live if so and so dies because life becomes painful without someone to bring me happiness and joy.
So, you may argue in the end that self-love is unconditional. You just love yourself for no reason! This is not true, technically. I love myself because I’m me, the most wonderful person in the world (to me, of course). I love myself because I know that nobody else can do a better job, and that my life would be miserable if I do otherwise. There is nothing unconditional in this love, after all.
3/05/2002
As I listen to Franz Schubert’s “Wanderer-Fantasie,” I feel extremely sad. There is something remotely sorrowful about the music. It makes me feel homesick, although I’m at home. It’s the feeling that something is amissed. It’s a feeling of loss, of loneliness, a feeling of a vagabond when night is falling.
Sometimes I think that I miss something or forget something very important in life. I’m not happy, and I don’t even want to be. I cling to life and feel sick of it at the same time. Maybe I’m just a coward. I hate life but don’t have the gut to part with it.
I can’t find meaning in life. Does anything have a meaning? I wonder. There are people and things that I love and care about. But they too have their own life and troubles. They love me but they don’t, and can’t, understand me. I don’t blame them because I sometimes don’t understand myself. Everything is so superficial, so fragile. One moment you love, the next moment you hate. One moment you are happy with your beloved, the next moment there is nothing left. What’s the point of building and struggling where nothing lasts, even for a reasonably short time?
I have passion, too much actually. I’m often proud of this fact. I say that this makes my life bearable. However, there is a limit to passion. It’s like artificial stimulation. It makes you “high” for a while, but then it exhausts you. At the end of the day you see that you are deceiving yourself.
On the other hand, is it necessary to have real meaning, or mission, in life? Sometimes I doubt it. We are conditioned to find meaning in everything. Maybe the thing to do is to “uncondition” ourselves. Let’s live with our fantasies and our dreams, as long as they last.
11/19/2002
Socrates said: “Eat to live, not live to eat.” Modern men seem to do just the opposite. In the beginning, men worked to fulfill their basic needs. They played in their spare time to escape boredom. Now, men work as if it’s their mission in life. They play as if it’s their duty.
I’ve heard many people say that there are so many things to do, and so little time. It’s sad that they are missing the point – the whole point of existence. Actually, I still don’t understand the point of existence. However, what I see, out of intuition and common sense, is that we are here on earth by accident – not by our own desire, and we have to deal with it. That is, we need to survive, if we don’t have the courage to die. If we ever get bored – which is the most terrible experience, we need to do something to get over it. Things like playing sports, having a hobby, or traveling.
Most people seem to lose track of this simple fact. They work out of habit, as if it’s a ritual. They are complaining about having too much work to do. They also complain that they don’t have enough time to play. There is not enough time to travel the world, to learn ten different languages, to write a good novel. The point is, you do all this because you need to, as long as you are alive. You don’t have to do them. They are meaningless in themselves. They are just the means to help you live your days. Once you die, you are free.
If God, or the Devil, comes one day and tells you it’s time to go, would you ask him to let you stay so that you can do all the things on your list? Sounds silly, doesn’t it? I bet that most people would do exactly that. They have it backward. The end becomes the means, and the master becomes the slave. People are looking for meaning in life. That’s why they want to live long to find it. What they actually do is to throw away the life they have and keep looking for its meaning.
12/16/2002
It’s so nice to have a quiet time to yourself. It’s nice not to do anything – to study, to work, to watch TV, or to worry about finding something to do. We live in a society where we panic if we don’t do something. Isn’t that sick?
People are afraid of being alone. Hence comes the frantic search for companions. Perhaps I’m among the minority, but I enjoy being alone. Even my family is not desirable to me all the time. Of course I like to spend time with them; I still desire time for myself, alone.
Someone asked me if I ever feel lonely. In fact, I don’t feel that way very often. People who feel lonely are those who look outside too much. If one looks inside, it’s always warm and cozy. If your heart can still love, you are not lonely and cold. You can love anyone you wish. Their physical presence has little to do with your love. As a matter of fact, physical closeness damanges beautiful spiritual connection.
And there is music. When you listen to music, you are in harmony with the world around you, with the people of the past and the present. You open your heart to nature and to all the pure and beautiful things. If there are gods and deities, you can find them in music.
And there are books. When you read books, you understand yourself. You read into your soul. You feel like you find your soulmate when you come across some thoughts that resemble yours. You feel like you find your long-lost home when you read about a place that sound so familiar, as if you’ve been there before. With books you share and sympathize with the world.
And there is your own journal. You can talk to yourself and get to know yourself better. You express your thoughts about the world so that you can understand it better. You can never feel lonely if you have a heart and a mind, and a desire to listen to both.
2/11/2003
When I was young, I used to watch animals and was very fond of them. I watched a hen taking her chicks around the garden to find food. She was very protective and wouldn’t let anyone get near her children. Then one day I saw her chasing her children away, even pecked mercilessly on their back if they didn’t run away from her. The little chicken were confused and hurt. They didn’t understand why their mother was so mean to them. They didn’t know that their mother had started laying eggs and expecting a new hatch.
When I got a little older I had to watch my mother weaning my baby sister. She put some bitter stuff on her breasts so the baby was scared of tasting the breasts again. That night she, the baby, slept with me. And then she missed mommy’s breasts and started to cry. Mind you, she didn’t scream or throw a tantrum, but tears swelled up in her eyes and streamed down her face. She was full of sorrow, in a babyish, innocent way. It broke my heart.
Every time I want to say that “life is good; lfie is wonderful,” something gets my throat. The little, abandoned chicken and the sorrowful baby bring tears back in my eyes. What’s so good about life? If life is good, the innocent, the sweet little things, should never get hurt.
Most people would shrug this off and say: “That’s life. Get over it.” Yeah, get over it. All of us did, otherwise we wouldn’t be here today. However, we couldn’t get over it without scars, permanent, damaging scars. Most of us are so scarred that we’ve lost all feelings and have become insensitive and cynical. Let’s face it. Life is not wonderful. It’s just the best available option. We are stuck with it and have to deal with it. To say otherwise is to lie.
Don’t you see that you take pride in inflicting pain on yourself? “No pain, no gain,” so goes the saying. We set up some ridiculous goals for ourselves and work like crazy to achieve them. What do we do once we have achieved those goals? We set even more ridiculously hard goals. It keeps going and going until we can’t stand it anymore and breakdown. All this just in exchange for a nice eulogy or a long arbituary – about things we’ve accomplished in life. Vain if you ask me!
If life is wonderful we should take pride in enjoying ourselves. We should be praised for taking pleasure, not pain. If life is wonderful the mother chicken shouldn’t have to abandon her children, but the children would leave when they are ready. If life is wonderful a sweet little baby shouldn’t have to be filled with sorrow because her mom’s breasts have turned bitter. The baby would be able to grow out of the breast-feeding habit and be happy with the alternative. Best of all, if life is wonderful we shouldn’t have these ridiculous feelings. Perhaps we would have feelings but they are completely different. They are happy, healthy feelings, not sick and contradictory ones.
6/16/2004
It’s been a year since I started this new job in Austin. A year! A lot happened, but it feels like nothing happened. I’m still my old self, more independent perhaps. But my thoughts haven’t changed much.
Let’s review. What have I learned? First of all, I’ve learned that family is the only thing that matters. Jobs, friends, and everything around them don’t count. They come and go. Secondly, I’ve learned that I can survive by myself if I plan carefully and pay attention. I feel much stronger now. I can drive, and I can take care of myself. Thirdly, I’ve learned that things are not always what they seem. This seems like an absurdly obvious statement. However, it’s one thing to make an empty statement and another thing to actually experience it. I have experienced it. When I lived in Hawaii, I thought it was the best place in the world, and the people were the nicest. Then I moved to Austin, and I find that I like Austin as well. There’s more room to “breath” here. People are almost the same everywhere. Some are nice, some are not. Some are aggressive, some are passive. It doesn’t really matter. As long as you stay within your limit, there’s no reason to worry about other people.
Finally, I’ve learned that the most important thing for survival is the ability to make yourself financially sufficient. That is, make enough money to stay above all financial pressure. This sounds unworthy for someone like me (i.e. an idealist). However, even an idealist needs basic material things. This is the capitalist world, where money can buy you almost anything. That’s the truth regardless of whether you like it or not. If you want to fit in and survive, adjust your thinking and act accordingly. There’s no bliss in poverty. The happy poor only exist in fiction, not reality. This is the society where the poor get poorer and the rich get richer. Accept this fact and deal with it. With money you can buy security, respect, and even “love”. Without money you are simply the scum of society. Some people would look down upon you, while others would step on you mercilessly.
Such is life, as I have learned so far. It’s grossly unfair, and there’s not much we can do about it. Rather than being the victim of unfairness, I prefer to be on the other side. Victims can’t do anything, either for themselves or for others. Therefore, the first thing one needs to do is to avoid being a victim. The second thing is to help others, to keep them from falling victims of society, of life. In other words, help yourself, then help others, in that order.
8/1/2004
When you are fond of something, you wish it would last forever. Then, realizing that nothing lasts forever, you feel very sad. Such is the human condition. We cling to things knowing that they are there only momentarily. Sometimes we fight so hard for something that we forget its relative meaninglessness. Once we remember, we become depressed.
Life is so boring that sometimes I long for death. Then, in my search for temporary happiness, I occasionally find things I love. Then I feel attached to them and at the same time wondering how long they last. It’s silly, really. At those “happy” moments I feel weak and wishful in my thinking. When I have to let go of what I love, there is some sadness, but not shock since I know it would happen. Then, there is acceptance and moving on. However, no wound is scarless. I turn cynical and indifferent as time goes by.
This is neither a sad story nor a happy one. It’s just how things are. Life itself is destructive and merciless. The weak can’t survive in it. Those who survive have developed some sort of harshness in their system. They must have the ability to forget, to let go, and to adapt in order to survive. Sometimes I long for romance. I wish I could love someone or something forever, and I certainly wish someone could love me forever. There are other times I only want to kick ass! Once I’m in that realistic mode, life is a struggle in which only the fittest survive. I see no use in love, romance and all that crap. Then, I get exhausted and find that everything is meaningless.
Can you see the absurdity of all this? What is life? What is love? Why are we here? Our existence is quite meaningless. We are fragile and fickle. Our feelings are unreliable, and our thoughts are confusing and contradictory. We all take life too seriously without knowing why. We are so hopeless, in life or in death.
8/9/2004
What is your objective in life? Someone just asked. I asked that many times. I used to have one. Now I don’t. I might find one in the future, or not.
There have been brief moments when I find life worth living. The rest is just enduring a long, painful existence. And, there is such a thing as a duty to survive. There are people who depend on you, emotionally or otherwise. Cutting them off that bond so suddenly is cruel and heartless. Sadly, but truly, you are not alone in this world, even though you suffer alone, or feel like it.
And there are people I love, or have loved. Those bring meaning and warmness to my life, even though it’s only a temporary thing. I’m not a slave of impulses and emotions (at least I think I am not), but sometimes those things act as intoxication, which helps one forget one’s miserable state of existence. Yes, love is a silly thing. It’s mad and irrational. However, it takes a little bit of insanity to combat this insane world. We need to get drunk, to get high, in order to live.
Life, as it is now for me, is nothing more than fatigue and resignation. There’s not much to say, or to desire. I know the beginning and the end, and everything in between is vulgar and tedious. It does bring me joy doing good. It’s not charity out of compassion for mankind. It’s more like a hobby.
I’ve lived almost half of my life and haven’t come out of my shell yet. I might never do, or I might do so one day. The thing is, I don’t live at all. I exist out of inertia and remain where I am for the sake of others. That’s all.
8/21/2004
This day, many years ago, my grandma died. It wasn’t unexpected. She got old, got sick, and died. I didn’t like her much when she was alive. To be accurate, I didn’t hate her, just scared. She was my dad’s mother, and she believed in tough love. Anyway, I did miss her when she died. I was sad.
Grandma, where are you now? Sometimes I wonder where we all go after death. Thinking about death make me feel sad, relieved, and bewildered at the same time. Sad because it reminds you that you are nothing, in the grand scheme of things. All your efforts and accomplishments (if any) will mean nothing once you die. I feel relieved because I know that all this suffering and struggling will come to an end. There will be a day when I can actually rest. I feel bewildered because I wonder what happens after you are dead. Will you still be you? Will you be free? Or will you be as confused as ever, without the advantage of having the brain to reason things out? What’s the point of existence, and non-existence? A timeless question!
Why do we have to love in order to suffer so much? We have loved ones, and we constantly worry about them, of losing them. And then we love some other people that we are not supposed to, which results in hurting ourselves. Attachment is bad. It keeps us from attaining enlightenment, whatever that is. We waste away here trying to hold on to the things we feel attached to while knowing quite well that we are fighting a losing battle. How stupid and stubborn we are! Blind and deaf. We ignore even ourselves. We can’t help ourselves. We are victims of impulses.
Is there a cure for my depression? Why do I have to think like this? Why can’t I be normal? The sad thing is, I’m as weak as everybody else, but I still think I can handle “the truth”, the thing only extraordinary people, people who are masters of their feelings and impulses, can deal with. What a disaster!
1/9/2005
Another year has gone by! And I have to drag out my existence for another year, and God knows how many more. Life is dull, when it’snot painful. There’s not much to talk about, not much to do.
Recently we had a discussion about cats. One guy said that cats do nothing except eat, sleep, and shit. This got me thinking: How is this different from what we are doing? All we do every day is eat, sleep and shit. It’s true that we also work, take a bath, and reproduce (so do animals). But why do we work? Because we need the money to buy food and other material things. And, of course, we take a bath out of necessity, just like cats need to clean themselves.
Anyway, the point is, our life is a meaningless as a cat’s life, or a dog’s life. Most people go on living without thinking about it. If one stops to think, one can easily fall into despair and depression. It’s sickening! Dragging out your life without a purpose. But then, what purpose can one have? Our existence means nothing, in the grand scheme of things. One single disaster can wipe out hundreds of thousands of us. Or, we can cause as much damage to one another, and the universe still goes on, with or without us.
It’s hard not to be a pessimist when you start looking at things. Some close their eyes and rely on faith. Some open their eyes but wear rosy glasses. They are content. Unfortunately, I can’t do either of these. Hence people call me a pessimist. I’m not whining, just depressed. I’ve stopped looking for meaning or blaming (either God or my parents). I believe, or assume, that my existence or non-existence is a matter of indifference to this universe. Whatever I do (be it whining, giving thanks, or punching myself on the head) is as insignificant as a drop of water in the grand ocean. I just have to serve out my time.
3/7/2006
I love being single! Yesterday when I came home from work, I ate, watched movies, checked e-mail, played with my cats, listened to music, and slept. I felt happy! I can do whatever I want, in my own home. Life is good, for the moment. I feel independent and free.
I’m not selfish, or at least I don’t think I am. I can give up certain personal freedom for someone or something. However, I wouldn’t give it up without a good reason. What are the bad reasons? For example, you want to have a family because you can’t stand being alone, or because you’re afraid to get old and die alone, or because you feel pressured to hook up. No, my friend, freedom is too precious to give up that easily. There’s only one good reason to give it up: you have no choice. That is, you are too crazy about someone that you have no control of what you are doing. You didn’t know what you were given up until it was too late. Good idea? I don’t know. It’s not even an idea. You have no choice, remember?
I haven’t met someone that makes me want to give up my freedome, my life. Yeah, that’s the ultimate test. I somehow hope that I won’t have to go through that test. Sure, I might die alone with my cats (or without). But who cares? I’ve had a good life. Things balance out in the end. They usually do. You either suffer now or later. The later may never come, so why suffer now if you can put it off? It may be more interesting to save the best for last, but it’s too risky. I’d rather not taking that chance. Live for the moment and die knowing that you’ve had a good life.
4/22/2006
It’s a sad day. Overcast and raining. I’m staying in, cleaning and sitting around. I don’t feel like doing much, just thinking about nothing.
What do I really want? I have that weird attitude towards life – the attitude of profound indifference. I hardly interfere. I let things take their course. I don’t actively go after anything. Maybe I’m a natural Taoist! Sometimes I think a single life is good, but sometimes I want more, or just something different. However, I never take any action. Since either way is fine with me, I don’t see the need to go after any. If you are not this, then you are that. No action is necessary.
As I said before, I’ve lived 30 years and still have no idea what I want. Life still has no meaning to me. Nothing is a big deal for me. Everything is a joke. Love, hatred, attachement, detachment, boredom, excitment…and so on…they are so common. They come and go. They don’t last. Nothing does, including myself. Do you see why I’m so passive? Nothing matters. I repeat, nothing.
Que sera, sera. I don’t know if I spell that right. Anyway, I have no real passion anymore. Why fight so hard for something you know would not last very long? Perhaps you don’t even want it in the first place. Most of the time you want something just because everybody else does. After awhile it loses its magic, then you are left with disappointment. Then, you want something else, and so on and so forth. That’s life. There’s nothing you can do about it. Love it or hate it, it’s there. It doesn’t give a damn about how you feel, or about you at all. C’est la vie!
5/11/2006
I just talked to the crybaby about personalities. She said that she was the kind who, when offended, tells the offender exactly what she thinks, to strike back if necessary. That’s totally not me. I don’t like confrontation. I find any kind of dispute distasteful and repulsive. I have refine taste. I prefer subtlety.
To clarify, I like to debate. I love it even. However, debate is totally different from quarrel or fight. The former is a friendly, rational discourse while the latter is a bitter, irrational exchange. I believe “complete honesty” is stupid. Let me explain. When people talk about complete honesty, they think “telling the truth all the time,” which in turn means speaking your mind. This is ridiculous! First of all, how do you know what’s on your mind is “the truth”? It’s more likely a fallacy, or a delusion. Secondly, does anyone ask you about the truth? Here’s a hint: don’t give if no one asks.
What good does it do to a person if you give him a piece of your mind? None. He has enough stress. He doesn’t need a piece of crap from you. It may make you feel good, but it’s not worth it. You may say that if you don’t take it out on him, you bottle it inside, and you are going to explode later. This is not true. You can vent, but you don’t need to vent it on someone. Go write to your journal! Or, go shout at the empty space. The point is, don’t hurt people unnecessarily with your silly little problems.
More importantly, you have to realize that people are not going to change just because you tell them how you feel. Most people don’t change. They are who they are. Some people do change. However, they change because of some serious event in their life, not because some acquantance tells them how annoying they are. If anything, this would make them try to annoy you more.
So, what can you do if people annoy you? Don’t let them! It’s that simple. A lot of things in life need not be complicated. It’s all about how you approach life. Just take it easy. Think about it: Why do people annoy you? They said something stupid and insensitive? Just assume that they didn’t know any better. Feel sorry for them. Have some compassion. Telling them they are stupid and insensitive doesn’t help. Be kind to them. Maybe one day they will see you as a good example and change their way. If they don’t, too bad. You are not responsible for other people’s life.
If someone hates your gut and is mean to you, let them. They don’t control your behaviors, nor do they control your feelings. You are the only one who has power over your own thoughts and actions. People can hate you all they want. As long as you have a good heart and haven’t done anything shameful, you are at peace. You shouldn’t give a damn about what other people might think. If they hate you, that’s their problem. They are the ones who are not at peace. Without a peace of mind, life is a chaos. Feel sorry for those people.
I don’t see the need to fight with people, at least in most situations. Don’t bother with the small stuff. Be generous and forgiving. Don’t pay attention to trivial things. If people insist on hurting you for no reason (some people are crazy, I give you that), then leave. That’s the whole concept. Let go. You should try to let things go first. If it doesn’t work, then let yourself go…somewhere else.
6/3/2006
I just had a long talk with my dad. I love that man, although I disagree with him on many things. I guess I never disagree with him on the core issues, just other practical, unimportant issues. The thing is, I’ve been influenced by him all my life. I used to adore him. I still have a lot of respect for him. And I think I have his personality. He’s a good man. That alone makes up for almost all of his shortcomings.
Anyway, we talked about jealousy and competition. That reminds me of how competitive the crybaby is. I know she’s jealous of me. She always wants to compete, with me and with everybody. She wants to win! As I said somewhere, I hate competition because it creates winners and losers, and I don’t want to be either. If you lose, you feel bad. If you win, you feel sorry for the losers, and hence, you also feel bad. So, what do you do? You may ask. Well, I always try my best, and I want to help others to try their best too. If either I or they don’t make it, then that’s fine. No hard feelings, and no bad feelings either. My philosophy is, if you are good, you don’t have to compete with anyone. You’ll get what you deserve, sooner or later. If you are not good enough, then focus on improving yourself, not pushing others down. Remember, other people don’t matter. Be good to them, but don’t let them control your life.
No matter what you do, some people will hate you. Don’t let it bother you. If your intention is noble, you can afford to be hated. You know in your heart that you’ve done nothing wrong. Other people’s feelings and emotions are not yours to control. They would have to deal with them themselves.
7/2/2006
Nietzsche said that women are considered deep because they are not even shallow. I didn’t understand this before, but now I do. I often consider myself deep. After all, I’m a philosopher. I’m a thinking person. I’ve just discovered that I’m neither deep nor shallow. I simply have no “bottom”, like Nietzsche said.
I guess it all comes down to not taking anything seriously. My view of the world has always been impersonal. I see everything as a 3-stage process: created, developed, and destroyed. What’s the point of investing too much in something so fragile? And everything in this world is fragile, including people, life, emotions, relationships, feelings. They come and go quickly before you have time to recover, to realize what has happened.
I keep wondering what’s wrong with me every time I find myself unable to get excited about something. For example, when my sisters came visit me, I was happy, but I wasn’t overly excited. Worse, when they left, I wasn’t really sad. Sure, I was a little bit sad. I was more concerned about my sisters’ emotions than my own. I know they are more emotional than I am, so I felt sad that they were sad. However, I didn’t feel emotional myself. I was calm and collected, as always. I knew I wasn’t going to see my big sister for a long time. Still, I felt so calm! Then I wondered what was wrong with me. Perhaps nothing is wrong with me. I just have no bottom! I can let go. I can detach myself from the world. I cling to nothing.
Is this the “nothingness” that philosophers have been talking about? I have no idea. All I know is that when I close my eyes, I see nothing. I feel nothing. I want nothing out of life. I no longer look for the meaning of life. I don’t care. Meaning or no meaning, what does it matter? Just like my cats sitting by the window and watching the squirrels outside, I sit on the sideline watching the world around me. Unlike my cats, I’m not even excited about what I see. I’ve seen enough to be excited.
I’m not even shallow! I like that idea. To be shallow you must at least have some desire or interest in certain things. I have none. I become an observer. I’m no longer part of the novel of life. I’m the reader. I watch life with some amount of apathy. It’s true that I must be interested enough to watch, but I always know in my heart that nothing matters in the end. Hence, I don’t get worked up about anything.